Changes

16 Oct

Life is always about change. They say if you can’t adapt you die right? Personally I’m not a big fan of dull monotony so I’ve never had a problem with life evolving.  Am I going to change? Heck no.  At least thats usually my mindset.  I really would like to change. I’m quick to temper. The littlest things get on my nerves. I have a chronic illness that leaves me in pain or forgetful or just plain tired all of the time.  I have a house to run and three kids, two dogs, a cat (who is soon to relocate FINALLY) and a husband.  Yes the husband comes last when he should be first right? 

I feel the winds of change coming and I find my internal dialog resembling a bucking bronco. Its kind of like that movie where he keeps seeing  wild stallions running free all beautiful and majestic and then suddenly the lasso comes into the shot.  I think it was The Bachelor. Cute movie, but the only relevant part of that is that I don’t want to conform or change. I’m comfortable having to control everything and everything having to go my way.  I wasn’t raised a spoiled brat with everything handed to me on a plate. I have no idea where I got the everything has to have a place mentality. I know where the control freak came into play. My Father was very much a things have to go my way kind of guy. 

Before you freak out, this isn’t about to go into my childhood. Nobody needs to hear about that just yet, I’m just getting you to like me. Why would I run you off now?

So back to the changes I feel brewing. The first change is the most tangible one to grasp. My son, I’ll refer to him as Einstein from here on out. He is so much like Einstein. Completely brilliant but just doesn’t seem to fit in the regular world.  Einstein is growing up.  He is in fourth grade now and no longer a little kid in school.  Its not going easily for him in the big world.  He struggles at school, but more so at home.  Its hard having two very strong personalities under one roof.  It reminds me so much of my Father and I constantly ramming heads because our ideas had to be the only way. Again with the animal references and the flashbacks into the past. 

Point, I had a point. Einstein is switching his medication today.  We struggled for 7 years without medication and finally made the choice two years ago when his schooling started to fall behind.  Fast forward two years later, hundreds of counseling visits and doctors appointments and success mixed with failures and I found that the original medication had run full circle. We were back at square one. His grades are dropping, our outbursts nearly constant at home, our moods were swinging full tilt and both very unhappy.  I say “our” a lot there.  Any parent of a child with emotional and behavioral special needs is sorely aware that your child does not experience these highs and lows alone.  You pull your hair out with them, you endure the punches (sometimes literally) and the tears.  You feel each joy and disappointment and sometimes you throw a fit right with them.  This is my and Einstein’s curse. Its like an invisible umbilical cord that will never be cut.  They are there for my other children, but not nearly as palpable.  Being someone’s advocate makes it so very personal.

So here we are at day one of new medication.  We’ve left our crappy therapist behind for a better alternative that encompasses school and home. Right now, two hours in to the new medicine, my son has volunteered to help with laundry.  Its happened before but its been a long time since he wanted to help.

Onto the next change, we are preparing for my daughter (from here on out to be called Drama Momma) to enter high school next year. I don’t know how it works in other houses but its a big decision in ours to decide where she will go to high school.  Generally you go where the district high school is and end of story right?  Well there are two high schools here. One gives you an associates by the time you are graduated and one doesn’t. The Mullet (my Ex) and I were really pushing towards my daughter going to the university high school that gives her a degree. Perseverance on Drama Momma’s part has me convinced she should go to the mainstream high school that has a better language program (she wants to be a translator) and keep on the honors track. She can also take AP courses for college credits there.  I’d love for her to be a sophomore when she arrives at college.  Drama Momma is one of my best friends and worst enemies these days.  I don’t want to think about college yet, high school is hard enough!

Moving on to son number two, Monkey Boy. He his 16 months old now and still not weaned.  I’m going to miss it but I’m desperate to be less co-dependent.  Funny thing is if things go as planned a year from now we’ll be starting the process all over again and I’ll spend another year or two begging for some Mommy independence.  I love my kids but I feel like a vending machine.  Monkey Boy is the least of the changes.  He is nearly perfect in every way.  That is because he is 16 months old and hasn’t had time to be his own person. He will soon spread his wings, starting with weaning, and the real changes of time will begin.

For the biggest change of all I feel is coming, my marriage.  My only experience in marriage is this one. I’ve only had past failed relationships. Two of which resulted in Drama Momma and Einstein.  My three year anniversary is tomorrow.  We aren’t in a good place.  Eeyore (my husband) and I have always had our struggles but he is now very depressed and has refused all attempts at finding a way to get better.  I personally believe he suffers from ADD.  I think his feeling like a failure because of his symptoms of the ADD has made him very very depressed.  It has affected us as a couple, it has affected us financially, it over the last year has affected our children.  It is a black hole in our relationship.  As we approach our third anniversary I wonder if there will be a fourth.  This is the one change I’m not sure which direction it will turn.  This is the change I fear the most.  I know that as my marriage moves forward we both have to grow and change together. I just don’t know if my wild stallions are ready to be roped or if my husband will show up to the (bad pun coming) rodeo.

I feel like I’ve rambled on for hours now.  The winds of change are approaching in so many areas of my life.  It feels very much like Dungeons and Dragons…should I choose to accept my quest?

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