Misplaced Guilt – The Monster Inside of Me

20 Mar

Someone asked me a while back to put together my story, my testimony almost if you will, about our journey with a special needs child.  How do you even begin that story? Parenting is a whirlwind but life since Einstein has been surreal.  Often times it all becomes a blur how we got to where we are now.  So many doctors, tests, medications, rewards, behavior modifications, milestones, setbacks that it truly is hard to wrap your mind around 9 years of your “story.”

But the reason it was mentioned is a valid and good one. The need for the story to be told is real.  So how do I swallow the overwhelming guilt that comes with telling our story? Thats why I haven’t written it down.  There is that overwhelming fear that someone somewhere will read our story and say, “Right there! That’s when this happened! Thats how he became who he is and its all your fault!”

Yes I’ve been struggling for two months only to realize that I can’t write word one because I am still fighting the monster in side of me that feels like I somehow am the cause for his ADHD, his aspergers, his ODD and his anxiety.  Something I did, somewhere I lived, someone I knew, somewhere I lacked….I must be the most amazing superhero powered mother of all time because I DID THIS. I mutated his neurological network by my actions.

When will the lies stop running through my head. There is nobody to blame. This couldn’t have been changed. My son is beautiful inside and out and intelligent beyond all means and a wonderful loving brother to his siblings and loving to his family.  There is nothing wrong with him so why do I feel guilt. He is different than societies normal. He needs assistance in different ways than others. Some kids need tutors,  its not so very different from a behavioral therapist. Some kids need braces,  he gets sensory assistance.  Why do I listen to so many stigmas that have been shoved in our face from society instead of my heart and God’s love that has shown he loves all his children. He doesn’t just love the easy children.

I hope to start writing our story. Simply starting to write why I have been frozen in fear is my imperfect progress for the day. I am desperately getting down on my knees and asking God to take this monster from inside me. Release me of its chains. Help me to stop torturing myself so I can help others better.

project02_guilt

Phil 3:13, “…this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before.”

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